


i'm still waiting for you

by hosaki



Series: boys be [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Childhood Friends, M/M, Song Lyrics, aka my fave vocal song thus far, insp: don't listen in secret by vocal team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-26 09:46:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17139509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hosaki/pseuds/hosaki
Summary: Jihoon and Soonyoung have been friends since middle school. They've spent countless nights talking over two bottles of banana milk and a shared plate of spicy rice cake at the shop near Soonyoung's house. They've spent even more afternoons at a local café, finishing homework in silence over a latte or two.But over the years, Jihoon begins to feel Soonyoung slipping away from him. They say time is medicine, but for Jihoon, it was pain.





	i'm still waiting for you

_I'm still, I'm still waiting for you_  
_I'm not even tired, although I'm getting scared  
_ _Still, I'm believing in time, because everyone says it's medicine  
_ _Even if I'm a fool, when I close my eyes, nothing changes._

( **[Don't Listen in Secret](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GS37BJ5fxE8)** , 2016) 

+++

“Earth to Soonyoung, anyone there?” Jihoon snapped, waving his hand lightly in front of the boy’s dazed face. He couldn’t bring himself to feel surprised, as Soonyoung tended to drift off into his thoughts on a regular basis. But he also couldn’t help but feel slightly offended - a composition assignment was stressing him out and he needed his friend’s advice.

“Oh, uh…?” Soonyoung looked at Jihoon sheepishly, the clouded look in his eyes disappearing as he awoke to reality. “I’m listening.”

Jihoon sighed. “It’s alright. I’ll finish it somehow.”

He decided he’d had enough of school and shut his laptop with a thud, packing up his belongings carefully. The latte he ordered over an hour ago sat half-finished. Jam Jam had a new barista, said Jihoon’s sensitive tastebuds.

“Aren’t you going to finish your latte?” Soonyoung looked down at the cup as Jihoon stood up, chair screeching loudly on the tiled floor. “You’ve barely even touched it.”

“Wasn’t that good,” Jihoon whispered so the barista wouldn’t hear. Said barista was behind the counter, washing dishes with his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. Tall, with pitch black hair that fell just above his sharp eyes. A name tag pinned loosely on his apron, reading _Wonwoo_. Quite attractive. But not that good at making coffee, unfortunately.

“I’m heading home. You coming?” Jihoon asked. He usually enjoyed the long walks home by himself, the cold December air crisp and fresh against his skin, and the quiet allowing him to collect his rampant thoughts. But for his friend of over seven years, he didn’t mind the extra company.

“Sure.” Soonyoung hurriedly stuffed his wallet into his pocket and led the way to the door, saying thank you loudly to the barista on the way out. He’d always been this energetic.

The walk home always felt shorter when Soonyoung was around. Living only a few streets apart in a quiet neighbourhood, the two had kept each other company since befriending each other in middle school. It was no bustling metropolis, but there were clusters of stores here and there which somewhat alleviated the boredom of the two boys.

They passed by the rice cake shop which had been the setting of many late night talks throughout their friendship. Jihoon especially loved those nights of staying out late with Soonyoung and eating spicy food in the cold night air. It was the only times he truly felt free.

This time, Soonyoung didn’t drag Jihoon into the convenience store near his house - he skipped right past it. “Aren’t you getting any banana milk today?” Jihoon asked, stopping just outside the store’s door, ready to pull it open. It was slowly becoming colder as January approached, and a small part of Jihoon hoped Soonyoung would give him an excuse to spend some time in a heated environment.

“Not feeling it today,” Soonyoung said as he ran ahead towards his house, much to Jihoon’s disappointment. He seemed to stumble for a second, but caught himself easily as he looked back at Jihoon. “Mum’s making her famous winter hotpot tonight!”

“No way. Am I invited?” Jihoon jogged a little, catching up to Soonyoung’s energetic steps.

“Sure, if you want,” Soonyoung grinned. “My mum hasn’t seen you in ages. Be prepared for questions!”

Soonyoung wasn’t kidding. The moment Jihoon appeared in the Kwon household, he was bombarded by Soonyoung’s mother, who ran up with a warm smile and arms open to hug him. “Jihoon! How’s university? You’re doing music composing aren’t you? Are you happy? Have you eaten? Is Soonyoung being good?”

“It’s great, yes, I’m happy, I haven’t eaten, and Soonyoung’s the same as always,” Jihoon replied in his usual quick-fire bluntness.

Soonyoung’s mother laughed. “Oh, Jihoon! I’ve really missed you. You hardly come by now that you’re all grown up!”

“Mum, please,” Soonyoung groaned. “He’s hardly an adult. Neither am I. We’re forever young!” Jihoon rolled his eyes as Soonyoung broke out into song, a habit he usually fell into whenever he unconsciously uttered a phrase that belonged to a song he heard once in a fleeting moment of his childhood. 

Jihoon took his usual seat at the Kwon table just as Soonyoung belted out, “ _I wanna be forever young~_ ”, followed by his mother shushing him and asking him to help her bring out the food. 

He smiled to himself. Soonyoung was such an idiot sometimes.

+++

Christmas came and left before Jihoon could even blink. It was vaguely filled with Soonyoung excitedly tearing open presents, and Jihoon’s parents making pudding. As January approached and the air became too cold for Jihoon’s liking, he found himself shrinking back into his room more often and as a result, began to see Soonyoung less and less.

There were a few days where it snowed lightly and the streets became a cloudy white, frozen with a thin layer of ice. His window would fog up in no time and he would just close the curtain with a sigh and return to composing. 

One assignment after another began to stress Jihoon out. After finishing one, he’d be pushed another - by now, he was sure he’d composed the equivalent to an artist’s entire career in music. Jihoon began sleeping less and less, struggling to finish his work on the train to school, and struggling even more to find time to see Soonyoung or any of his other distant friends. 

It’d been a month since university started, and Jihoon couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen his friend, both being busy with their own individual endeavours. It didn’t help that neither of them were great at using social media - the only exception being Soonyoung going on a binge and sending Jihoon 20 memes in a row, to which the latter would simply reply ‘lol’.

The day Soonyoung had a dance recital was the day Jihoon had his music one. Pledis University tended to bunch all of its performing arts showcases into one day so they didn’t have to rent out the theatre for more time than needed. Jihoon found himself immersing his concentration into preparing for his performance, so much so that he completely forgot to keep in contact with anyone but his parents. Even in the small moments where he remembered the boy with slanted eyes, he would only send a random sticker of a bear dancing and resume his 24/7 work lifestyle.

But Jihoon was sure Soonyoung would understand. Soonyoung had his performance to worry about as well. 

If there was anything Jihoon would willingly compliment Soonyoung on, it was his dancing. Jihoon loved watching Soonyoung dance. There was something so expressive and captivating about it. The way his face scrunched up in concentration, his eyes exuding confidence. His movements were sharp, yet also so graceful and smooth. Soonyoung was born to dance.

Though he’d watched him dance many times, Jihoon was still upset he’d be missing Soonyoung’s upcoming performance. Standing backstage with sweaty hands, he waited for his turn to perform whilst the images of Soonyoung dancing lingered in the back of his mind.

“Next, performing _Simple_ , is Lee Jihoon!” Jihoon stumbled out into the bright spotlight of the theatre and took his place at the piano. Maybe if he finished quickly, he’d be able to sneak into the next hall to catch Soonyoung’s performance.

But performances can’t be rushed. He took his time, pouring all he could into his voice. Vaguely, he heard a commotion outside but paid no attention to it. More often than not, there would be at least _one_ person in the crowd coughing, talking, or creating other negligible distractions. Jihoon became good at shutting out the world around him.

The song came to an end, and Jihoon lifted his hands from the piano with a sense of finality. He was quite proud of that performance. If only Soonyoung had seen it.

The applause died down, and it became apparent that there really was something happening outside. There was chattering, and Jihoon wandered outside to see what it was about. There was a crowd outside one of the halls, and a boy on stage inside. He wasn’t performing though, he was laying sideways with his cheek smushed into the floor. There was a man next to him, talking. The boy replied, but still remained in the same position on the floor.

“What happened?” Jihoon asked a nearby person.

“He was performing but suddenly had some sort of cramp,” a girl replied. “Shame. He was doing so well.”

Jihoon squinted. Dyed brown hair, chubby cheeks and slanted eyes. Despite being in the awkward position he was in, he still was smiling.

“Soonyoung!” Jihoon yelled, pushing past the crowd and running up to the stage. The man had begun to help Soonyoung stand, but it didn’t seem like Soonyoung had much control over his legs. 

“Oh, hey Jihoon,” Soonyoung laughed nervously as he saw his friend run up in front of him. “Can’t believe you took the time to come see me perform! I’m flattered.” He seemed to be trying for a joking tone, but it sounded strained. The man was all but supporting his weight as they attempted to exit the stage. 

Jihoon took up Soonyoung’s left side, allowing them to make an exit quicker, away from the crowd who were staring and doing absolutely nothing to make the situation any better. His mind was numb - did they need to call an ambulance? Why weren’t Soonyoung’s legs moving?

“Can you sit?” the man asked gently as he helped Soonyoung to a nearby chair. Jihoon did everything he could not to drop his friend, but Soonyoung still fell to the chair with a loud thud.

“I guess I’m sitting now,” Soonyoung said, still smiling. “Thanks. That was embarrassing.”

“What happened?” Jihoon pressed. “Should we take you to the hospital?”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Soonyoung insisted. “I must’ve practised too much for this performance. It’s just a leg cramp, it’ll go away.”

“I’ll still get our medic to check on you,” the man said, leaving the two to call someone from the next hall. Jihoon sighed and pulled a chair over to sit next to Soonyoung.

“I don’t talk to you for weeks and now I find you unable to walk,” Jihoon tutted, lightly punching Soonyoung’s shoulder in an attempt to lighten up the mood. The crowd outside had dissipated, leaving the hall in an empty silence. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“I am, Jihoonie,” Soonyoung flashed his signature grin, making Jihoon’s heart clench ever so slightly. He looked a little less strained, his features relaxing slightly as he leant back in the chair with a groan. “I can’t believe I screwed up that performance!” He threw his arms up to his head and buried his face in them. “I’ll never live this down.”

“It’s not your fault,” Jihoon said quietly. “Did you fall hard?”

“Not really. It was the part of the song where I had to kneel down, but my leg tensed up suddenly and now—“ Soonyoung gestured to his legs, lying limp in the chair, feet resting on the floor. “I don’t know.”

A medic came by for a while, during which time Soonyoung had regained feeling in both of his legs. It begun with a wiggle of his toes and progressed upwards, and soon enough he was able to stand. Jihoon sighed in relief - it was just a muscle cramp after all.

Though Soonyoung seemed disappointed that he couldn’t finish the performance he worked so hard on, he returned back to his energetic self as he dragged Jihoon to Jam Jam right after leaving the theatre. He began babbling on about the things which had happened while they were apart, and it felt like it was only yesterday that the two had seen each other.

Jihoon never went to Jam Jam without Soonyoung. In the past few weeks of not seeing the latter, he had only passed the café a handful of times, barely sparing it a glance as he hurried home to escape the cold. 

“How have you been, Jihoon? How was your performance?” Soonyoung asked excitedly as he pulled open the door, a wall of warm air smacking Jihoon in the face and the smell of coffee wafting through his nostrils. The café seemed the same, with the exception of a few new chairs and an unfamiliar barista. Jihoon was about to reply, but the barista’s greeting cut him off.

“Welcome to Jam Jam,” the barista drawled, sounding slightly bored but allowing a small amount of pep to liven up his voice. Straight brown hair, high cheekbones, and a name tag reading _Jeonghan_. Jihoon hoped his coffee would be better than Wonwoo’s.

Soonyoung took their usual seat by the window while Jihoon pondered whether he should try something new or stick with his usual latte. Looking over at his friend, he saw him jittering his leg while scrolling through his phone with a grin on his face. Undoubtedly dog memes. 

“Did you finally decide to order something else?” Soonyoung asked with a sly smile as Jihoon sat across from him. Through the cold air shone the bright afternoon sunlight, a rare occurrence as clouds would soon take over and shroud their neighbourhood in its gloom. Soonyoung had recently gotten his hair redyed, Jihoon noticed. The artificial brown shone with a tinge of gold in the light flowing through the window, his face enveloped in an angelic glow. Jihoon hadn’t realised how much he liked Soonyoung’s face until now. It felt like home - it was comfortable, familiar, and full of happiness.

“No,” Jihoon said, bracing himself for Soonyoung’s laugh and ‘I knew you didn’t have the balls’. He scrunched his nose up slightly, showing his disgust, making Soonyoung drop the topic with a sheepish smile. Jihoon sipped his latte - it was alright.

“I wonder where the other barista is, from the last time we were here,” Soonyoung pondered, looking over at the counter. “Not gonna lie, he was pretty handsome. Though this one’s pretty cute too.”

“Then why don’t you marry him?” Jihoon snapped back, trying to sound sarcastic but instead sounding rather bitter. Soonyoung laughed, to Jihoon’s relief.

“I’d never leave my Jihoon like that,” Soonyoung drawled in a sickeningly sweet voice. “What would you do without me?”

Jihoon forced his lips up in a smile, lightly hitting Soonyoung’s head simultaneously. But truthfully, he wasn’t sure how to reply.

+++

Soonyoung was no stranger to injuries. He’d always been a boisterous young boy, climbing trees like a monkey and running off into fields with no shoes on. Jihoon on the other hand, was much more careful with his actions, with the constant fear of landing himself in the hospital. He was always envious of Soonyoung’s carefree attitude.

Jihoon wasn’t even surprised when he received a call from his friend saying he’d landed himself in the emergency room after a ‘dance-related shoulder injury’. Nevertheless, he couldn’t help but feel slightly worried as this came only one week after his leg-cramp incident.

“What did you do this time?” Jihoon sighed as he entered Room #17 of the clinic in their neighbourhood. He caught sight immediately of Soonyoung and his cheeky grin, sitting upright in his bed with his arm in a tight sling.

“Nothing much. Just the usual shenanigans,” Soonyoung replied nonchalantly. Jihoon sat on the bed in front of Soonyoung’s legs, causing the frame to groan under the added weight. “Sorry to worry you again, Jihoonie.”

“I’m used to it,” Jihoon replied quietly, placing his hand on Soonyoung’s cast. “Can I sign it?”

 _Idiot_ , Jihoon wrote in giant letters. Soonyoung laughed and tried to hit him with his good arm, but missed terribly. “You need to stop getting injured. I don’t have enough time to come baby you every time.”

“Aw, are you sacrificing your precious composition time to come see me?” Soonyoung puffed out his cheeks and attempted to hug Jihoon, who wriggled out of his grip.

“Kind of, yeah,” Jihoon said bluntly. “How did you manage to twist up your shoulder so bad?”

“Uh, not sure…” Soonyoung said, with a hint of hesitation. “It was more of a cramp than a sprain.”

“Another cramp?” Jihoon said, becoming slightly more worried. “Are your legs fine?” 

“Yeah,” Soonyoung said, smiling a little. “Lighten up, Jihoon! I’m still young and healthy,” he added, lightly bumping Jihoon’s shoulder with his.

“Please don’t lie to me, Soonyoung,” Jihoon said, anger joining in the mix of emotions he already had. Jihoon had known Soonyoung for a long time - he knew that Soonyoung would never say anything to worry others. He was too selfish for his own good, caring too much about pleasing others that it sometimes would hinder his own self-expression. 

Jihoon couldn’t really say much about himself though. He wasn’t too expressive himself, but when he was upset, it was apparent to anyone within a 10-meter radius. On the other hand, Soonyoung rarely ever showed anger or pain. Jihoon was sure it wasn’t healthy to hold everything in like that.

He remembered the time Soonyoung had attempted to climb a tree to see what was inside a birds’ nest on one of the top branches. They were only 14, still young and adventurous. Jihoon ended up having to half-carry Soonyoung home after he slipped and fell halfway up.

But even back then, Soonyoung still smiled. If it wasn’t for the limp in his step and the bloody grazes on his arms, you would never guess he was injured.

Jihoon wondered what Soonyoung was feeling in this moment. Did his arm hurt more than his face betrayed?

“What do you mean?” Soonyoung sensed Jihoon’s seriousness and dropped the smile from his face. “It’s only an arm cramp. They just put it in a sling in case it was some sort of muscle sprain.” He wiggled his fingers slightly. “See, I can still move my fingers! It’s fine, Jihoonie.”

“You always say that,” Jihoon said through his teeth. “You always brush things off and say you’re fine. Don’t you remember two years ago? You had a bad cough which you said was ‘fine’ but you ended up hospitalised with pneumonia like, a week later.”

Soonyoung laughed nervously. “Well, coughs are really common, so I figured—“

“Or the time you rolled your ankle after sprinting for the bus, and ended up with a cast for weeks because you didn’t think it was anything serious.” Jihoon couldn’t look at Soonyoung.

Soonyoung sighed, and swung his legs over the side of the bed so he could sit next to Jihoon. 

“You’re my friend, right?” Soonyoung asked quietly. “So you’re worried. I’m really thankful for that.” He attempted to catch Jihoon’s eye, but failed. Out of Jihoon’s peripheral vision, he saw Soonyoung’s face relax into a soft smile. “You know I hate worrying others, Jihoon. I’d rather be in pain than hurt others.”

“But don’t you realise that you’re hurting me anyway?” Jihoon couldn’t control the tremble in his voice. “You never tell me what’s wrong. I can’t read your fucking mind, Soonyoung! If you’re in pain, tell me!”

“Jihoon, I really am okay—“

“Listen to me, Soonyoung!” Jihoon nearly shouted. He’d never been this worked up about anything before to this degree. He felt himself heating up, and he honestly wasn’t sure why he was so angry. Was he angry at Soonyoung? He doubted it. He cared about his friend far too much for that.

“I’m listening,” Soonyoung said in a small voice. 

Jihoon sighed and buried his face in his hands. “Sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

Soonyoung tentatively reached out and placed his hand on Jihoon’s back. He began to move in circular motions, stroking gently. It was comforting.

“I was in the dance studio practising when my arm suddenly felt stiff and tensed up,” Soonyoung said. “I could barely move anything from shoulder downwards. So I came here and there didn’t seem to be any damage, but they put it in a sling just to keep me from moving it for a while.”

“Does it still hurt?” Jihoon kept his face in his hands for fear of seeing Soonyoung’s face and breaking down again. 

“Not really. It’s just a bit numb.”

“That’s good.”

Jihoon was taken back to the time he visited the hospital with Soonyoung’s parents when his friend had been diagnosed with pneumonia. Usually, the infection wouldn’t be too serious and could simply be treated with antibiotics and rest, but Soonyoung had let the infection stay for too long and was beginning to have difficulty breathing.

The overwhelming feeling of pain at the thought of losing his best friend had been too much for Jihoon. While he may have taken Soonyoung’s presence for granted, he was certainly thanking the gods he never believed in for allowing Soonyoung to recover and return to his usual self in due time. 

The past two weeks reminded Jihoon of that time. He hated seeing Soonyoung in a hospital bed. But most of all, he hated seeing Soonyoung’s strained smile.

“Please don’t smile if you can’t,” Jihoon said, breaking the tense silence which filled the room. “You can be hurt, you know.”

“Yeah,” Soonyoung chuckled. “But I really am not in pain right now. Because you’re here,” he added with a wink. Jihoon rolled his eyes.

“Well, I’ll leave you to rest here,” Jihoon said, standing up with a groan. His legs felt pretty tight.

“My parents are picking me up soon. Wanna go to Jam Jam later?” Soonyoung asked.

“Maybe. I still have a composition to finish,” Jihoon said sadly.

“You and your compositions,” Soonyoung said, affectionately ruffling Jihoon’s hair. “Okay, songwriting genius, I’ll take a raincheck then.”

Jihoon couldn’t stop his lips from curling up into a smile. He tried to stop himself, but Soonyoung caught it. His chuckles filled the room with all its brightness and joy.

“Love you, Jihoon. Thanks for worrying about me.”

“Love you too,” Jihoon mumbled, before he could stop himself. He suddenly realised what he said.

But before he could regret anything, Soonyoung’s face morphed into one of shock and happiness. His eyes disappeared as he smiled, cheeks pushing his eyelids into his signature 10:10 slant. Jihoon remembered the first time he met Soonyoung - he had the exact same smile on his face, as he introduced himself to Jihoon with a loud ‘I’m Kwon Soonyoung! What’s your name?’. 

Soonyoung’s smile was worth all the embarrassment.

+++

That night, Jihoon went home happy. He sat at his desk with a happy sigh, turning on his laptop and writing.

The melody which came out didn’t sound all that happy, though. It was rather melancholy, and ached of loneliness. Jihoon wondered where those emotions came from.

His tutor was impressed. He even asked Jihoon if the song had a title or lyrics.

Jihoon hadn’t gotten that far.

+++

Spring came and went, taking its flowery scents and transitioning into a hot, humid summer. Soonyoung seemed to invite Jihoon out less and less, the one memorable afternoon in Jihoon’s mind being the day Soonyoung brought Jihoon a flower crown from a field near Pledis University.

“For you, my princess,” Soonyoung overexaggerated a bow, placing the clumsy flower crown on Jihoon’s black hair. Jihoon frowned slightly at the nickname. Soonyoung knew Jihoon hated cute nicknames, but he knew he could always get away with it. 

They went to Jam Jam a mere handful of times, the rice cake shop even less. Jihoon had even asked Soonyoung to hang out with him, a result of boredom overcoming him on weekends, but his friend had simply replied that he was busy choreographing and couldn’t make it.

Jihoon never saw Soonyoung on campus. The studio in which he spent most of his time in was on the opposite side of the dance halls. There were old recording rooms in Soonyoung’s building, but Jihoon much preferred the better equipment in the new buildings. As a result, they hardly walked home together from the train station anymore, with their timetables becoming increasingly different as the semesters wore on.

The next time Jihoon saw Soonyoung was by coincidence at the mart near their university. He’d grown hungry after hours in the studio and dropped by for some snacks - which is when he saw a familiar figure hunched over his phone next to the cereal aisle. He had a somewhat serious expression on his face, something Jihoon wasn’t used to seeing on the usually cheerful boy.

His hair had changed colour again. Instead of a light brown, he had dyed it a darkish blue. Jihoon wondered how long he’d had that colour for.

“Soonyoung!” Jihoon called, his friend raising his head at the sound of his name. Soonyoung’s face lifted up into a soft smile when he saw Jihoon.

“Jihoon, it’s been a while,” Soonyoung said as Jihoon walked up to him. “How have you been?”

“Drop the formalities, Soon,” Jihoon laughed. “I’m not your boss.”

“Yes, sir,” Soonyoung grinned cheekily. He shoved his phone in his pocket and reached out to hug Jihoon. 

It was sudden, so Jihoon didn’t expect it. Soonyoung wasn’t one to shy away from physical affection, but he knew how much Jihoon disliked it, so he mostly made an effort to refrain for Jihoon’s sake. 

“Sorry I haven’t replied in a while, Hoon,” Soonyoung said, mouth uncomfortably close to Jihoon’s ear. Well, it wasn’t _that_ uncomfortable. “I’ve just been doing some… stuff.”

“Care to elaborate?” Jihoon raised an eyebrow, reluctantly withdrawing from Soonyoung’s arms. 

Soonyoung seemed to hesitate, but smiled. “Let’s go to Jam Jam first.”

+++

“Welcome to Jam Jam.” It seemed that Jeonghan was still here, his brown hair now falling just underneath his shoulders in all its smooth and straight glory. Jihoon never thought long hair would look so good on a boy.

He ordered his usual latte and Soonyoung ordered a berry smoothie. Soonyoung always ordered something different from the last, which completely reflected his short attention span. They sat at their usual table, and Jihoon stared at Soonyoung for a few seconds in silence while they sipped their drinks.

“So… what’s up?” Jihoon finally asked. Soonyoung seemed to snap out of his stupor and turned his attention to Jihoon. 

“Um…” He seemed hesitant. Scared, almost. “I’ve been wanting to tell you for a while, but I wasn’t sure how to.”

Jihoon tried to laugh. “You’re scaring me, Soonyoung.”

“I-it’s nothing bad!” Soonyoung said hurriedly, throwing up his hands and nearly spilling his smoothie. “Um, I… got accepted into Seventeen.”

“Seventeen?” Jihoon asked. “What’s that?”

“Oh, it’s a dance group!” Soonyoung said, sounding more upbeat and excited. “They’re based in Seoul, and I’ve been trying to get in for ages.”

“Since when?” Jihoon said, wincing as he took too big of a gulp from his latte. He would’ve thought that he’d know if Soonyoung was trying to aim for something. Jihoon himself would often talk to Soonyoung about his own goals, after all.

“Since… a while?” 

“I never knew.” Jihoon looked down.

“Guess it never came up.” Soonyoung gave Jihoon a weird smile, hand behind his head scratching his hair. He looked adorable.

“Wait… Seoul? So you’re leaving?” Jihoon asked. He felt himself fearing the answer.

“Yeah.”

“Oh.”

Jihoon looked out the window. It was a warm day - the sun was beating down onto the concrete and drying up the topmost leaves on each tree. From the ocean came a light breeze, evident by the gentle swaying of branches. It was peaceful, but Jihoon’s heart was not.

“When?” Jihoon said in a small voice.

“A week,” Soonyoung replied. Jihoon felt him staring, but couldn’t bring himself to shift his gaze which was trained on a fallen leaf on the ground outside.

“Wow. Seoul, huh?” Jihoon laughed bitterly. He wasn’t sure if he was getting angry at Soonyoung, or if he was just upset that he would be leaving. Perhaps a mixture of both. “Don’t you dare come back to Busan if you start speaking Seoul dialect.”

“I’ll keep my roots proudly, thank you very much,” Soonyoung said, puffing out his chest slightly and touching Jihoon’s arm. Jihoon unconsciously turned his head to look, but immediately wanted to turn back from Soonyoung’s soft gaze.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Jihoon mumbled. 

“Like what?” Soonyoung asked, head cocking in confusion. 

“Nothing. It’s okay.”

It was quiet for a moment. It seemed like Soonyoung was searching for something to say.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, Jihoon,” he said sincerely, trying to catch Jihoon’s gaze. “It’s not a big deal. I’ll come back.”

“Promise?”

“Aw, will you miss me?” Soonyoung joked, trying to pinch Jihoon’s cheek. Jihoon swatted his hand away.

“Of course,” Jihoon said. “What will I do without you, right?”

Soonyoung smiled, front teeth peeking over his bottom lip. He almost seemed sad underneath that cheerfulness.

“Then I’ll have to come back.”

+++

The day Soonyoung departed for Seoul, Jihoon did something very, very stupid.

He kissed his best friend. Just for one second, just a light peck. He couldn’t really help himself, and it all happened too fast for his consciousness to process what he did.

“Well, I guess this is me,” Soonyoung had said, turning to face Jihoon as they stopped in front of the entrance to the train station. There was still a long walk to the train platform, so Jihoon figured Soonyoung should get going soon so he wouldn’t miss his train.

“I guess it is,” Jihoon replied quietly, staring at his feet. It was only just becoming aware to him that his best friend would soon be leaving him. Leaving him all alone in their boring and quiet neighbourhood to pursue bigger things in the heart of South Korea.

Gone would be the days of window shopping for shoes at the mall after physics class, or staying up at Jam Jam to cram for finals. Jihoon would no longer be able to just pop into his friend’s house, which was only a few streets away, to ask him out to eat so that he could order more and be able to finish. Being apart often meant the end of friendships and relationships - and Jihoon was scared. Jihoon didn’t want Soonyoung to go, but he wasn’t sure what he could do to make the boy stay. That would just be selfish.

“You’ll call me, right?” Jihoon looked up at Soonyoung. Soonyoung had begun to grow taller, now standing nearly a head above Jihoon. Jihoon remembered the days when they were both the same height, both with identical bowl haircuts and both with big dreams for their future - their future _together_.

_”We’ll be famous! You’ll write the songs and I’ll dance, and…” Soonyoung rambled on excitedly, and Jihoon couldn’t help but smile to himself. “And then when we’re rich we’ll buy a huuuuge mansion and live together! Just the two of us… and maybe ten dogs.”_

“Of course I’ll call you, stupid,” Soonyoung said with a smile. “I’m… sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I’m sorry for leaving you like this.”

“It’s alright. I’ll get over it,” Jihoon tried to laugh it off.

Soonyoung smiled gently. “You know, for someone who tells me to express my pain more, you’re kind of a hypocrite,” he teased. He reached out his arm and pulled Jihoon into a tight hug.

“I’ll never forget what you’ve brought to my life,” Soonyoung said quietly in Jihoon’s ear. “You made my childhood a great one. And I’ll never know how to repay you.”

“Don’t say it like this is goodbye, you idiot,” Jihoon said, stumbling through his words. He pulled apart from Soonyoung - one more second and he’d be sure to tear up. “I’ll be watching you from here through my computer. So be sure to send me stuff.”

Soonyoung seemed to hesitate slightly. “You too, Hoon. Don’t forget me when you’re famous,” he grinned. He twiddled his thumbs and grabbed his suitcase, seemingly ready to leave. “I guess—“

And that was when Jihoon did possibly the stupidest thing he’d ever done in his short life so far. Without thinking, he pushed himself up with his toes and grabbed Soonyoung’s cheek with one hand, placing a light kiss on his slightly ajar lips.

Soonyoung looked like he wanted to say something, but Jihoon was far too mortified to stay and listen. With a hurried ‘bye’, Jihoon turned around and didn’t look back as he walk-ran back to the bus stop.

+++

7:30 PM

**Lee Jihoon**  
> I’m so sorry I don’t know what I was thinking

 **Kwon Soonyoung**  
> it’s ok  
> sorry jihoon but i can’t

 **Lee Jihoon**  
> FORGET I DID ANYTHING PLEASE

 **Kwon Soonyoung**  
> righteo  
> goodnight, jihoon  
_Seen at 7:30 PM_

+++

Jihoon spent a good few months trying to shove that day out of his head. Spoiler alert: nothing worked.

At the same time, Jihoon wasn’t surprised at how much he loved Soonyoung. It’d never been much of a thought to him, just a natural feeling. He and Soonyoung went together like bread and butter, alright on their own but even better together.

After that fateful day, Soonyoung fulfilled Jihoon’s wish and acted like nothing happened. They talked occasionally over message or on the phone, but Soonyoung would never show Jihoon any videos of his dance group no matter how many times Jihoon asked. According to Soonyoung, it was still a ‘work in progress’.

Over a year passed by, with Jihoon being bored home alone for a majority of it. Without Soonyoung, he had barely any reasons to go out. He did have a few other friends from university - Seungcheol, a rapper studying classical music history (ironically enough) and Joshua, an exchange student from America with a voice like honey - but Jihoon didn’t like any of them enough to escape the comfort of his bed.

One warm night, Jihoon stopped by the rice cake shop by himself. He ordered the usual plate, but found himself struggling to finish. He even found himself buying two bottles of banana milk instead of one. He didn’t realise how big of a presence Soonyoung was in his life until he was gone.

The one time he decided to drop by Jam Jam in the year following Soonyoung’s departure, he started talking to Wonwoo. He seemed nice and easy to talk to, and his coffee making had improved leaps and bounds from the first time.

“You seem tired,” Wonwoo commented, as he dried some cups. “I know you used to come here a lot with your friend. Anything happen?”

“Wow, stalker,” Jihoon tried to joke, but couldn’t bring himself to smile. He definitely felt heavier and life had begun to feel a lot more pointless. “I guess you’re right. I do feel pretty tired.”

“Not even coffee helps anymore?” Wonwoo said, pushing a newly brewed shot into Jihoon’s hands. “I’ll give this to you on the house. You look like you need it.”

“Thanks.” Jihoon gulped it down - the heat searing his throat. It went quiet for a minute, while Wonwoo started wiping down the counter. The cafe was empty at this time of day, and the pale orange light of sunset hung the room in shadows. “My friend left for Seoul a year ago.”

“Oof. I can relate,” Wonwoo smiled at Jihoon. It wasn’t a huge, cheerful smile like Soonyoung’s, but it was comforting all the same. “My best friend left too, to pursue modelling.”

“Do you keep in contact?” Jihoon asked.

“Not really. His schedule is pretty packed, so he doesn’t have time for little old me.” Wonwoo sounded somewhat sad, but the moment dissipated as he walked away to find more sugar. “You can follow him on Instagram if you want. His handle is _min9yu_k_.”

“I’ll pass,” Jihoon laughed. “Don’t really use Instagram.”

“To be honest, neither.” Wonwoo returned, carrying a heavy bag of sugar and carefully pouring some into a container. “I only use it for him.”

“I see.” It went silent, as Jihoon watched Wonwoo pour the remaining of the sugar into the last container. “By the way, can I have a latte?”

“Of course.” Wonwoo took to making it immediately, moving with great ease and confidence, frothing the milk and pouring it into the cup as if it were second nature to him. 

“You’ve gotten better,” Jihoon commented, sipping the latte, which left a strong milkstache along his upper lip.

“I’ve been here a while now,” Wonwoo smiled, taking a seat next to Jihoon after seeing that there were going to be no new customers any time soon. “It gets boring sometimes. I’d love if you came by more often.”

“I might just do that,” Jihoon held his cup up towards Wonwoo in a sort of ‘cheers’ motion before taking a long gulp. “I’ll see you around, Wonwoo.”

“I’ll see you too… uh?” Wonwoo hesitated, and Jihoon realised he’d never introduced himself before.

“Jihoon. I’m Lee Jihoon.”

+++

**SAT** , 6:15 PM

**Lee Jihoon**  
> Hey, what’s been happening soonyoung

**TUE** , 11:22 AM

**Lee Jihoon**  
> I’m bored

10:04 PM

**Lee Jihoon**  
> ???  
> Are you going to ignore me…  
> I made a new friend today - that barista you once said was handsome

11:50 PM

**Lee Jihoon**  
> Ok then  
> Hope to hear from you soon  
 _Seen at 11:51 PM_

+++

As the summer heat faded into bitter cold, Jihoon’s motivation to work plummeted to an all time low. He was about to graduate - without Soonyoung - and though he’d already been offered a place at Pledis Entertainment as a producer, he wasn’t all that excited for it. But he knew he should be thankful that a millennial like him even _got_ a job in the first place.

Soonyoung’s parents had also moved out a while back, Jihoon heard. He wasn’t sure where they went because they never said goodbye, but maybe they followed Soonyoung to Seoul. 

Jihoon flopped down onto his bed, following a long session in the recording studio. He’d finally managed to finish writing lyrics to an untitled song he wrote more than a year ago. He’d also recently started up a SoundCloud account, and was already gaining traction under the pseudonym ‘Woozi’ - on which he was planning to upload the song as his first full track following his graduation the next week.

He tried calling Soonyoung for the umpteenth time that week. _”Hey, it’s Soonyoung! I’m busy right now, so you know the drill—“_ Jihoon sighed. Soonyoung never picked up. 

Even though it was already 10PM, Jihoon felt an urge to get out of the house and breathe in some fresh, cold air. Layering up and throwing on his coat, he ventured out of the house and down the familiar road he and Soonyoung used to take to the train station.

The rice cake shop was closed - Jihoon heard that the owner had recently fallen sick and had no one to take over. He missed those spicy rice cakes.

He bought one bottle of banana milk from the convenience store and continued towards Jam Jam. Jihoon hadn’t been there since Wonwoo left last month. Though he’d only just gotten to know Wonwoo, he felt an undeniably connection with him which kept him going back to Jam Jam after university classes for short evening talks. But Wonwoo had suddenly decide to pack up and move to Seoul, leaving behind everything he knew in Busan, to follow that model friend of his. Jihoon was beginning to think that the universe wanted everyone dear to him to leave him in the dust. 

Just as Jihoon finished the last drop of milk, he reached Jam Jam. Except, it _wasn’t_ Jam Jam. It had been replaced by _A Threesome Place_. 

It seemed as though when Soonyoung left, he took every bit of Jihoon’s childhood away with him. Jihoon stood in the harsh cold, staring at what once was a second home for him. The cafe was dotted with some university students, all studying diligently as they sipped their overpriced coffee. Coffee that wasn’t made by Wonwoo, or Jeonghan, or any of the baristas that Jihoon knew. The chairs and tables were _wrong_ , the tiles were _wrong_. Everything was _wrong_.

Jihoon could see him and Soonyoung, sitting at their usual window seat bickering over pointless topics as they procrastinated doing their homework. He could only stand there, unmoving, as a wave of nostalgia hit him like a ton of bricks.

He didn’t realise he’d begun tearing up, though it could’ve as easily been from the cold. He really missed Soonyoung.

They say time is medicine, but for Jihoon, it was pain. The longer he stood there, the more he missed his cheerful friend. 

He called again - no answer. He texted again, but didn’t even receive a read receipt. He wasn’t sure what he should do.

“You said you’d come back,” Jihoon muttered to himself, stumbling home and kicking a stray can which rolled near his foot. “You said you’d call. So why aren’t you?”

Jihoon slammed the front door as he stomped up to his room. He heard his parents call after him, but he ignored them and immediately jammed on a pair of headphones and blasted whatever was on his playlist. 

He flung open his laptop and began typing. _Seventeen_. He’d searched the term multiple times, but only turning up some American magazine and other things about the number 17. _Seventeen dance group_. No results.

Would Soonyoung have any reason to lie? Jihoon was beginning to think Soonyoung had found someone and moved to Seoul to be with them, not much different to what Wonwoo did. He couldn’t think of why Soonyoung wouldn’t call or text back - he couldn’t possibly be _that_ busy, could he?

Feeling almost desperate, he called Soonyoung again. But this time, he didn’t hear Soonyoung’s voice. 

_The number you have called has been disconnected._

For the first time in years, Jihoon cried.

+++

Graduation should be a time of celebration, the culmination of years and years of blood, sweat and tears. But Jihoon’s graduation was rather… bland.

In comparison, Jihoon’s high school graduation had been one of the best times of his life. Soonyoung had convinced him to go on a weekend trip to Jeju Island, where the two had spent two days in pure freedom and bliss. Jihoon vividly remembered Soonyoung exclaiming in delight as he ate an ice cream, dragging Jihoon around the island to take pictures for the whole day. They had spent a majority of the night outside their hotel room, staring at the stars. Soonyoung had jokingly made Jihoon call him ‘Hoshi’, saying it meant ‘star’ in Japanese. Soonyoung thought it was a really cute nickname. Jihoon couldn’t really disagree.

Now, when Jihoon looked at the stars, all he saw were the slanted eyes of his once-best friend. He sat in silence by his window the night after he graduated, looking away intermittently to eat some of the porridge his mother had made him.

His parents wanted to go out to celebrate, but Jihoon said he’d rather stay home. He felt bad for his parents - they really did want the best for him, and they wanted him to be happy. But Jihoon didn’t know how to be happy when the source of his happiness was gone.

He eventually decided to post the song he’d just finish recording onto SoundCloud as a somewhat ‘graduation gift’ for himself. He was beginning to put himself out to the world, and he was ready to start a new chapter in his life.

He’d already posted some miscellaneous covers and beats onto the account, so he already had quite a decent following. Within the first few minutes of posting, there were already multiple comments—

Woozi  
▶ **Don’t Listen in Secret**

 **Jun’s Armpits** at **0:17** :  
THIS IS SO GOOD WOOZI I LOVE IT!!!!

 **ARMY|CARAT|MONBEBE** at **3:00** :  
that hiGH NOTE THOUGH!!! I’M LIVING!!!!!!!

 **Amy** at **0:00** :  
i love it already

 **user171324** at **0:53** :  
I have no idea what your saying but I love it

 **Boo Seungkwan** at **2:30** :  
If you have the time I’d really appreciate it if you listened to my latest cover! [Booseungkwan - 내 생에 아름다운 (원곡:K.will) ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEcJ9Up32ag)

Jihoon smiled. Maybe this was a new beginning for him. Maybe he could push his past aside and start anew - work towards his dream of becoming a famous producer, and—

 **hoshi** at **1:10** :  
I’m listening

Jihoon froze as his eyes glossed over that comment. _Hoshi_. The stars. The boy Jihoon loved.

Jihoon needed to find Soonyoung. He didn’t care whether Soonyoung had lied to Jihoon and had pursued a secret lover to Seoul. He just needed to know where he was. How could he have thought he’d be able to start anew without any closure?

 _Seventeen seoul_. Nothing. _Seventeen dance group_. Nothing of value. He’d even searched _Kwon Soonyoung_ before, but…

Wait. A new entry.

Jihoon nearly dropped his phone. He grabbed his wallet and coat and bounded down the stairs. The only thing he said to his parents before racing out the door was, “I’m going to Seoul.”

+++

“Can you smile, Soonyoung?” A camera was propped up in front of the boy, who was sitting upright in a white bed. Someone tried to focus the camera onto Soonyoung’s face, but ended up zooming in a bit too much.

The boy on camera chuckled slightly. His hair was pitch black, falling softly just over his eyes. It seemed like he needed a haircut. His eyes looked tired, but alert. 

“Of… course.” The boy pulled the ends of his lips up into a smile, but it looked painful. “I’m… ready,” he said slowly, with some difficulty, as if there was someone restricting his airways. 

“Okay, Soonyoung. Would you like to introduce yourself?” Someone asked behind the camera.

“I’m… Kwon Soonyoung. I’m 22 years… old. I love… to dance.”

It was him. It was the boy who gave Jihoon a purpose to go outside, to have fun. But it also wasn’t _him_.

“Do you know what your disease is called?” the voice prodded gently.

Soonyoung laughed, a deep sound in his throat. “It’s… a long name. I’ll… try.” He looked directly at the camera, the small movement seemingly causing pain as he winced slightly. “I suffer from… amyotrophic… lateral sclero…sis.”

“That’s right,” the voice said. “How does it affect you?”

“I… can’t move.” Soonyoung said, a glint of sadness in his eyes. He seemed to want to say more, but the effort would’ve been too much for him. The video went on to show other patients with the same disease. Jihoon turned his phone off.

He cried on the train to Seoul. He didn’t care what others thought of him anymore.

+++

The boy had a laptop open, and a song playing into his headphones. He couldn’t put the headphones in by himself - he had to ask a nurse for that.

_"You must listen to this song. Don’t listen and pretend you haven’t. If you hear my heart, can’t you come back to me?”_

Tears began forming in his eyes, and he wasn’t able to wipe them away. All he could do was let them fall down his cheeks onto his lap.

That night, he went to sleep with a song on repeat. A song written by the boy he loved.

+++

They say time is medicine, but for Jihoon, he knew that nothing would ever change. He would always be waiting - waiting for his best friend to come back.

Soonyoung had never made it into a dance group. In fact, he became unable to dance. The one thing that made the boy who he was, was cruelly ripped away from him as his body deteriorated into a useless wad of bones and flesh. 

Jihoon spent his days watching old videos of Soonyoung dancing. He’d done every concept, from [sexy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86lMVMLuPNw) to cute. He could do anything. He was born to dance.

Along with his other possessions was a notebook filled to the brim with choreography ideas. As Jihoon flipped through them, he couldn’t help but laugh as he read Soonyoung’s little comments here and there. _Jihoon would rock this part. This is when the crowd goes wild. Remember to scream!!_ Jihoon traced the pages with his finger, admiring Soonyoung’s unique handwriting script and rough drawings. 

There was also a video on a USB. The nurse told Jihoon that Soonyoung had asked her to help him record it a few weeks ago. But Jihoon couldn’t bring himself to play it.

He held the box of Soonyoung’s possessions close to his chest as he rode the train back to Busan. He felt nothing but emptiness.

+++

It wasn’t until a few years later when Jihoon would be brave enough to learn the truth. The video told him everything - Soonyoung had been tentatively diagnosed with ALS, a disease which made you unable to move. His parents had decided to move him to Seoul for supportive care, where his body had slowly begun to deteriorate.

Jihoon learnt that Soonyoung couldn’t bear to tell him the news, so he covered it up with a lie. He was scared, terrified. He didn’t want to die - he still had so much he wanted to accomplish. He was going to become a name to remember in dancing history. He was going to stay by Jihoon’s side through all the successes and failures. 

Jihoon also learnt that Soonyoung loved him. He loved him so much, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. But he couldn’t - and for that, he couldn’t bring himself to keep in contact anymore. 

With every text, Soonyoung was a step closer to death. With every call, Soonyoung fell deeper in love with a boy he could never be with.

Wonwoo had come back to Busan a few months back, rekindling his friendship with Jihoon over time. They managed to reopen Jam Jam after _A Threesome Place_ decided to shut down. Jihoon made sure that everything was the same, right down to the potted plants next to the window. 

But while Wonwoo had brought back a tall, gorgeous hunk of a boyfriend with him, Jihoon had nothing. His sunshine had succumbed to the darkness.

It wasn’t entirely bad, though. He’d reconnected with many of his old friends from university - Seungcheol and Joshua, who attempted to cheer Jihoon up by taking him to an amusement park and screaming his ear off on every roller coaster - as well as making some new ones in Chan and Minghao, two dance students who had been close to Soonyoung back when he was in Pledis University. 

No one could fill the void Soonyoung left in Jihoon’s life. But it was a start.

 _”I guess you were right… I’m really not fine,” Soonyoung said with a strained laugh._ Jihoon didn’t feel triumphant in the least that he was right. _”But, Jihoon… don’t… be too sad! I’ll always… be in the stars. Watching you become… a world famous… producer!”_

Jihoon was watching the video for the umpteenth time. He could never make it through without stopping to cry. 

_”Don’t wait for me. Don’t be… scared.” He smiled a genuine smile. “And don’t listen… in secret.” He winked with mild difficulty, and the screen went black._

“Yo, Jihoon,” Seungcheol swung into his peripheral vision. Jihoon realised he was still in the library. He furiously wiped his eyes as Seungcheol spoke. “Mingyu and I are heading to Jam Jam. Wanna come?”

Jihoon stared at his laptop. The video had ended, and the thumbnail of Soonyoung’s smiling face popped up. “Sure.”

Jihoon would never be able to say goodbye to Soonyoung. He would also never forgive Soonyoung for leaving him clueless for so long. But over time, he began to understand - in the end, Soonyoung always cared for Jihoon the most. He didn’t want to be in Jihoon’s life for a while just to leave it.

Nevertheless, Jihoon wished he could’ve spent more time with Soonyoung. Jihoon would probably always regret not being able to completely appreciate his presence and tell him how beautiful he was. Jihoon knew he’d never be able to talk to him again and hear his infectious laugh.

But he knew that wherever Soonyoung was, he’d be listening.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you've all had a good holiday season and i wish you the best for 2019!!
> 
> this is by far my favourite vocal team song :') i struggled deciding which pairing to write for it but ultimately by soonhoon trash heart won.
> 
> i've been wanting to start this lyric-based series for a long time but never had the time or motivation (until now). if you have any song & pairing requests, pls comment them! i'm down for writing multiple one-shots of the same song for different pairings (only if i have ideas though).
> 
> also getting closer has me shook, why am i even surprised anymore bc seventeen be out here saving the industry with every comeback


End file.
